


I Hate You, But I Don't

by orphan_account



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, College!AU, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Kinda, Light Angst, M/M, Slow Burn, Soonhoon - Freeform, This Is STUPID, and cliche, but enjoy lol, more characters as the story progresses - Freeform, soonyoung best bf, soonyoung is so understanding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2020-12-28 19:13:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21141791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jihoon got accepted to his dream university in New York, which means he had to break up with Soonyoung. Through wishes, hopes, fate, and help from friends, they shall find each other again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hellooo this fic has been in my docs for almost a year now, and i've only decided to publish it now. it's been a while since i last published something, but here we go with soonhoon!! this is also the first chaptered fic that i've written by myself because i have very short attention span and could usually only write short oneshots but ANYWAY please enjoy reading and let me know what you think!! thank u <33

Lee Jihoon, just like any other senior student in their campus, constantly checked his email for letters from different universities he applied for, stating if he got accepted or rejected. He surely spent most of his savings for the application fee in many universities, and they really aren’t student-friendly. 

One of the heaviest expenses was his application for a university in New York, hoping to get a scholarship for a degree in music. It took him months to convince his parents about this, and they have definitely talked it through. The concern was not really about him taking up music, but about him being far away from home. He is an only child, and his parents were worried about how he’s going to survive being alone at the other side of the world.

Studying abroad surely is a pleasure and a great opportunity for a lot of people. As soon as Jihoon received the letter which states that he got accepted in a university in New York, he was ready to go immediately. He really wanted to achieve his dreams and fuel his passion and open a lot of other opportunities for himself, even if it meant sacrificing a lot of things as well.  


Going to New York would mean leaving his family behind, living there on his own, having to study the English language more, focus more on his studies to not fail anybody back home, and of course, having to break up with Soonyoung.

***

It was four in the morning when Jihoon checked his email, almost like a routine everyday, after finishing the pile of school work that was given to them before finals week. His heart kept on pounding as if it wanted to get off his chest, hoping to see the mail he’s been waiting for for months now.

Lucky enough, the most recent mail was the one he’s been dying to see. A letter which says he’s been accepted to study his course abroad. Without another thought, all he could think about is how he’s definitely going to New York to study music composition, and maybe be successful there as well. A lot of possibilities rushed through Jihoon’s mind and he wouldn’t mind leaving a lot of things in South Korea, if it means being a step closer to his only dream.

He clicked the mail, with the subject ‘Letter of Acceptance’ to read the letter fully.

_Dear Mr. Jihoon Lee,_  
_Congratulations! We are pleased to offer you admission to the University of XX, with your first choice program of Bachelor of Music Major in Music Composition. We have seen your potential with the demo you have sent us, as well as your entrance exam results, and decided that you will be a great asset in our university.  
Regarding your request for a scholarship, we have considered it and we would be waiting for your application, by passing the necessary documents, and attending another set of interview. Attached below is the scholarship form, together with the requirements for it and the interview schedule, the confirmation form, and the contact details of the university. Feel free to contact us regarding any concern._

_We are hoping that we will be part of your journey in achieving your dream career.  
Cheers._

It was crazy. Jihoon didn’t know what he did in his past life for him to be this lucky. He stared at the letter for a couple more minutes before deciding to add the schedule to his calendar. He will definitely do anything to get that scholarship. His mind was filled with ecstasy and he’s now very conscious of the blood running through them, almost supplying it with too much oxygen due to the prickly feeling that it had.

He screamed on his pillow for a few minutes, careful not to wake his family up, thinking he would tell them when they wake up instead. His happy hours were soon cut off when a certain someone popped in his mind, thoughts of pain and sadness about the future replacing them. It was someone he definitely did not want to leave behind.

_Soonyoung._

He dialed the said boy’s number, and on the fifth ring, a groggy voice answered the phone. “Hello?” Jihoon probably woke him up from his slumber. _Ofcourse._ He chuckled at his silly thought. He’s most likely just slept for an hour or two by that time, but Jihoon can’t drag the message any longer, knowing that the guilt and sadness would only swallow him whole the more time passes by.

“Hey Soonyoung, I’m so sorry for waking you up but can we meet somewhere right now?” Jihoon said, slightly anxious but excited at the same time. He wasn’t sure why he wanted to meet up at the wee hours of dawn when he could just tell Soonyoung directly on the phone, but something about that thing being so important to him does not deserve to be talked over the phone only.

“No it’s fine, what for?” Soonyoung replied, obviously confused on why Jihoon would ask him to meet up at four in the morning, but there’s a hint of understanding laced in his voice. It’s Saturday morning by that time anyway, so it’s not like they would have to go to a class right after.

“Um, I just have to talk to you about something important.” Jihoon said as he bit the excess skin at the sides of his fingernails. His tone somewhat making what he wanted to say sound scarier than it actually is. It shouldn’t even be something to be afraid of. He just wanted to tell Soonyoung that he got accepted in studying abroad and the conversation could go on from there. That’s it. Or at least, that’s what he’s been trying to convince himself.

“Oh. Okay. We could meet up at the 24-hour cafe near your house if you want.” Soonyoung was already sitting on his bed, trying to wake himself up even more before heading to the bathroom.  
  
The thought of leaving Soonyoung occured in his thoughts once again at the mention of the cafe. They have spent many memories there, almost being there more than at their own houses. They have been there during hell weeks, trying to pull their shit together, finishing their theses, or just hanging out in general. He was pretty sure the owner of the coffee shop memorized their order by now, as well as the time they would arrive and leave.

“Yep sure, so see you in around 20 minutes?” Soonyoung nodded, before giving an audible hum, realizing that the boy couldn’t see him, and soon after, the phone call ended.

Soonyoung and Jihoon have been together since junior year, but they have been close since high school started, middle school, even. Jihoon knew that he has always been fond of the guy with slanted eyes and fluffy cheeks, even though he annoyed him during middle school for talking too much, way too determined to be Jihoon’s friend.  


After many months of Soonyoung trying to know more about him, he finally decided to let him in and become his friend. He found out that the boy has always been like that, and everything he does is done with sincerity and passion. He also found out that the boy really liked dancing, and before he knew it, they were inseparable, never one without the other. And it was a nice feeling, it was something Jihoon never ever regretted.

Junior year came and it was finals week when Soonyoung decided to leave a voicemail for Jihoon, with him confessing his feelings. Up until now, he had that saved on his phone, having it backed up as well. We could say that Jihoon is a pretty sentimental person, even though it might not look like it.

But with Jihoon being Jihoon, he typed backed a message saying “I really like you too, Soonyoung.” Simple. Like his heart didn’t make thirteen backflips after hearing the voicemail. Funny, though, he replied at the 15th of August, at 11:22PM. Making both their birthdays important parts of their relationship as well, with their monthsary being the 15th of the month, which means Soonyoung’s birthday would be their monthsary as well, and the 22nd of November being Jihoon’s birthday.

_It's mad,_ Jihoon thought. One part of him, the logical one that he’s been trying to push back, says it’s foolish of him to think that their relationship will continue on up until college. Going to university means entering real life, as well as meeting a whole bunch of other people. It involves getting lost along the way, and everyone knows that it will be way harder when you aren’t studying in the same university, much more when you’re thousands of miles away. Who knows, it might even mean being apart completely.

But the love fool part of him thought that no matter what happens, both of them will stay, and somehow, someday, they will meet each other again. He thought that no matter how far apart they might be one day, they will be meeting at the same end of the spectrum, just right at the middle. Whipped. Lee Jihoon is completely whipped for Kwon Soonyoung he thinks he’s losing his mind.

Jihoon shook away his thoughts as he pulled his sweater on his hands to fight the coldness of the air as he walked to the cafe. It wasn’t that far from his house, maybe a 10-minute walk at most. Even though it was pretty late at night, he felt safe. He didn’t know what to expect with their conversation, as he didn’t really thought things through, but he forced his feet to go on and not chicken out.

The cafe had a few customers, most are students that were probably pushing through finals week and having as much caffeine as they could get, some were stress-eating, the muffin wrappers piling up on their tables, while some are having a power nap, their laptops shut and left charging in front of them. He silently wished them luck on his mind, knowing exactly how hard it was to pull yourself through a week of cramming and studying for exams that would determine if you would pass the term or not.

Jihoon sat on the small table near the window as he waited for Soonyoung, the warm atmosphere of the cafe making him pull a yawn, the long day that he had conquered finally dawning on him. To wake himself up a little, he decided to order two medium-sized hot chocolate since he thought more coffee wouldn’t do them any good.

As he went back to his seat, the cafe’s door chimes rang, and there he saw Soonyoung, wearing a sweater that the boy probably just pulled up right after Jihoon’s phone call woke him up. He whiffed a faint smell of Soonyoung’s perfume, and he figured the sweater was the one that he wore the day before.

“Hey,” Soonyoung greeted with a small smile as he sat across Jihoon. “Have you slept?”

Jihoon pushed Soonyoung’s drink across him. “Not yet, I finished as much as I could for finals week.” Jihoon replied as he took a sip from his own cup.

Soonyoung hummed in understanding, but then added, “You should catch up on some sleep on the weekends, then.”

Soonyoung has always been like that. Extra caring and thoughtful. Jihoon knew that his boyfriend haven’t had enough sleep himself, and Jihoon just woke him up from his almost perfect slumber. That only made Jihoon more guilty.

“Sure will.” Jihoon replied as he stared at the cup he’s been holding with both hands, relying on its warmth for comfort. Should he just get on with the thing? What if it upsets Soonyoung? Was he just overthinking everything? Is this even necessary?

Knowing Soonyoung, the boy would probably be extremely happy for him, completely shutting the thought that he would be thousands of miles away from him, and saving the sad thought for later.  
After a few moments of silence, Soonyoung definitely still not in the mood to show his overly-hyper self except for a few small smiles here and there, Jihoon finally decided to speak up.

“You know that university I applied to 5 months ago, right?” Soonyoung nodded, urging him to go on. “Well, I got accepted. I’m going to New York, Soonyoung.” Jihoon blurted out, biting his lip in anticipation on the other’s reaction.

As expected, Soonyoung beamed up at him, and reached his hand across the table, “Wait, what? Really? Oh my god. Jihoon, that’s amazing!” Jihoon couldn’t help but chuckle at the other’s enthusiasm, though it left a bitter taste in his mouth.

“Thank you.” Jihoon replied simply. “I still have to go through another interview if I want to get a scholarship, though.”

“Hmm.” Soonyoung hummed in response, taking a sip on his own cup of hot chocolate, seemingly more awake now. “But then, your parents would still let you go even though you don’t get the scholarship, right? You still have enough money for the expenses.”

“Yeah, but it’s still kind of a lot and the scholarship would definitely help. I don’t want to be a broke college student who relies on ramen completely thrice a day.” Jihoon replied.

Soonyoung chuckled at that before speaking, “So...Where do you want to celebrate? Where do you want to eat? My treat!” The string of words continuously falling out of a now overly-hyper Soonyoung’s mouth.

“But Soonyoung, listen first,” Jihoon started, his words becoming softer as he goes. “Does the thought not scare you? At all?” Tears started to form on the rim of Jihoon’s eyes, threatening to fall.  
He hates this. He hates how completely selfless and over-supportive Soonyoung is. He hates how Soonyoung could just beam at him, being completely proud of him like Jihoon isn’t going to leave him in just a few months.

“Hey, why are you crying now? Aren’t you supposed to be happy?” Soonyoung’s voice was laced with worry, the hype slowly dying, as he attempted to wipe Jihoon’s tears with his thumb.

“Yeah but like, I’m leaving Korea for years and who knows when I’ll be coming back?” Jihoon replied, his brain running on zero hours of sleep definitely making him more emotional than ever.

“So what if you’re leaving? You still have me and your family here waiting here for you and will be supporting you even if you’re way too far away from us.” Soonyoung replied with a warm smile.  
Jihoon finds it frustrating, how Soonyoung could be extremely optimistic at times and how he couldn’t seem to feel where all of this is going.

“God, Soonyoung, I don’t want this to be hard for the both of us,” Jihoon said as he shielded his face with his sweater-covered hands, “I badly want to say that we’ll be okay being in a relationship while we’re far away from each other but I know--we both know that sooner or later, we won’t be.”

Soonyoung seemed to be taken aback by Jihoon’s words, as if he was connecting the dots, he understood what the boy was trying to say. “D-do you want to break up with me?” He stuttered, not wanting to hear the words he’s sure was the answer.

Jihoon’s ears rang with how straightforward Soonyoung said it, but maybe he’s afraid that he can’t directly think of putting it that way. Instead of answering verbally, Jihoon let the silence answer for him, afraid that Soonyoung will take it the wrong way.

Soonyoung being Soonyoung, he ended up being very understanding and sweet about everything. “I know how much this means to you, so I understand fully well,” He said with a small smile on his lips, 

“Come here.” He said as he stood up and asked Jihoon for a hug, which the other didn’t hesitate at all.

“I’m so sorry, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way. I adore you so much and this is so hard for me to say.” Jihoon reasoned out as he was engulfed in Soonyoung’s hug.

“Shh, it’s okay, I will wait for you. It’s fine. We’ll be fine,” Soonyoung whispered, only for Jihoon to hear. Oddly, Soonyoung’s words did calm him a little, “Let me get you back home, yeah?”

They left the cafe soon after, the comfort of the warm air leaving with them, and the coldness outside making their skin tingle. They stayed close to each other as they walk, their hands brushing. Jihoon didn’t know if he should go on and hold Soonyoung’s hand when he downright just dumped him back at the cafe, but as if Soonyoung felt him hesitating, he initiated and intertwined their fingers. Soonyoung’s hand was warm and he felt emotional again as he thought about how he would miss holding them.

The walk back to Jihoon’s house was quiet, but the silence between them was comfortable, no hint of awkwardness at all. Jihoon decided that they walk instead of hailing a cab so he could spend more time with Soonyoung before they completely leave each other’s side. Not that a cab would be around at five in the morning in their small town.

Soon enough, they reached his house, and Soonyoung let go of Jihoon’s hand, and buried them in his pocket instead. Jihoon could feel his chest tightening, not even having the energy to look straight back at Soonyoung, not until the boy spoke up, “Jihoonie, can I kiss you?” tilting his chin in the process. _What a dork._ Jihoon thought. _It’s not like we’ve never kissed before._ But then again, Jihoon, being a complete love fool for Soonyoung, nodded anyway.

Soft warm lips caged Jihoon’s own. The kiss planted was very soft and careful, like Soonyoung wanted to take his damn time and it was making Jihoon want to cry. But instead, he threaded his fingers on Soonyoung’s hair, fluffy locks he knew was freshly shampooed only the night before. Said boy wrapped his arms on Jihoon’s waist as they pulled away before placing a firm kiss on Jihoon’s forehead.

Soonyoung stroked Jihoon’s hair once before muttering, “Good night, baby,” giving Jihoon small smile. “Rest lots today, okay? You deserve it.”

Soonyoung was about to leave when Jihoon grabbed his wrist, “Soonyoung, wait,” Jihoon’s mind was battling in his head, one part saying he’s an idiot and that he should just let Soonyoung leave already, while the other part was saying he’s doing it right. “Actually, can you stay for the night?” Jihoon’s heart was beating so fast he’s sure that the blood was rushing through his face and his ears, but he didn’t mind. He’s confident the other boy’s too oblivious to even notice. “I mean you don’t have to-”

“That was supposed to be a goodbye kiss, but okay.” Soonyoung, once again, being a complete sunshine, beamed up at him, bunched up cheeks, slanted eyes, and all. God, Jihoon had to muster up the willpower not to kiss the boy again.

Soonyoung’s reply made Jihoon’s chest feel lighter. Maybe, just for a little while, they could indulge in the moment together.

The two tried to stay up, ranting about their days, murmuring sweet nothings to each other, the buzzing of the AC, as well as the indie music playing very softly in the background are the only things audible other than their voices. It was very calming, as if that moment wanted Jihoon to forget that he’ll be leaving Soonyoung very very soon.

Oversized sweaters, legs tangled under the covers, fingers intertwined, and Jihoon’s face buried in Soonyoung’s chest, it couldn’t have been better.

Not until he woke up to empty sheets, and a note on his bedside table.

_“Thank you, Jihoonie :)”_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, first fic where I didn't give up after writing the first chapter. This update took kinda long to be posted, I usually only write whenever I feel like it. Thank you to everyone who pushed me into continuing this fic! :D
> 
> Also special thanks to my friend, Diane, who has always been extra supportive with my writing and Soonhoon agenda.
> 
> Please leave kudos and comments to let me know what you think!

Finals week has officially started and Jihoon swore he’s about to go mad with all the studying he had to do, the workload that goes pile after pile, making it seem like the efforts he did the weekend before all went down the drain.

With the thought of the weekend coming in his mind, he realized that perhaps it wasn’t the right time to tell Soonyoung about his acceptance in the university in New York, as well as cutting ties with him because now he had to think of both the paperworks and Soonyoung. And he felt so helpless and his current mental state is very comparable to the famous chaotic spongebob meme. _Too late, though._

Finals week, hermit season. Another week where Jihoon decided to ignore every single person and get less social interaction than he has ever had. He didn’t even spare a second on checking his phone, which has been vibrating non-stop for at least 10 minutes now, because of his best friend, Wonwoo’s, text messages. Surely, the boy just wanted to bug him and convince him to get pizza together because he _can’t study no matter how much he tried to._ Jihoon knew that the best way to actually get Wonwoo to study by himself is to ignore him. Cruel, but it works every single time.

It’s not even that Wonwoo would fail if he doesn’t study. That boy is smart as hell and could answer any question you throw at him as long as he attended the class. But Jihoon isn’t like that. He had to work his ass off to get the grade that he wanted.

“Lee Jihoon!” Wonwoo called, as the said boy left his last class for the day. Jihoon tried to ignore him, but he could only hear heavy footsteps getting closer to him.

“Hey, do you want to get food?” Wonwoo asked enthusiastically as he caught up on Jihoon, casually slinging his arm over the other.

“Wonwoo, I swear you won’t get anything done if you keep on hanging out after class.” Jihoon replied nonchalantly, trying to remove the other’s arm from his shoulder but failing to.

“Come on, you need fuel for your brain to perform better!” He exclaimed, but soon noticing the unusual coldness in his best friend’s voice. _Sure, Jihoon has always been like that._ But it’s different this time. “Wait, where’s Soonyoung?”

Jihoon flinched at the mention of the name, though it went unnoticed by Wonwoo. It’s been about three days since they last talked and Jihoon only tried to distract himself by busying himself more. “I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Wonwoo stared at him like he just grew another head. “You’re inseparable and now you don’t know?”

“Why do you ask too much? I said I don’t know. I have to go home now.” Jihoon replied, increasing his walking pace.

Wonwoo knew better than to push the younger about the topic. He figured that maybe the two just went into a fight that they failed to resolve and now they stopped talking.

Wonwoo typed a quick text to Jihoon to let the boy know that he’s there if ever he needed someone to talk to.

Jihoon never texted Wonwoo.

In fact, he never talked to anyone about it and the thought is swallowing him whole. He knew it’s extremely unhealthy but he just drowned himself in more studying so he wouldn’t think of anything else. The only thing that kept him going for the entire week was coffee and cola, and instant ramen that he cooked every time the clock strikes midnight. He opted for the convenience store for coffee though, and not at the cafe near their house. Finals week gave him enough stress already for him to hurt himself more.

He also spent his time alone, avoiding any type of communication that might lead to him talking about his situation with Soonyoung and him leaving very soon. One time, he was having dinner with his parents when they asked why Soonyoung hasn’t been visiting their house for an entire week, being used to the boy staying at their house to hang out very frequently. Jihoon simply replied that it’s finals week and they’re both busy, not really ready to tell his parents that he broke up with Soonyoung. His parents really loved the boy to the point where Jihoon thinks that if they’re given a chance to choose a son, they would choose Soonyoung in a heartbeat.

Friday finally came, which marks the last day of the examination period and Jihoon couldn’t wait to go home and hibernate for god knows how long. He wouldn’t be opposed to the idea of sleeping for an entire week if his body would allow him to.

Jihoon only had one exam for that day and it ends at 11:00AM. Wonwoo’s exam ends at 11:30, so he waited outside their room so they could go eat lunch together at the school cafeteria. He played games on his phone while waiting for his best friend, sitting at the hallway floor beside the exam room’s door. After passing a few levels, he felt someone tap his shoulder and it was Wonwoo, asking him if he wanted to get lunch together.

They arrived at the cafeteria, and luckily that time, it wasn’t too stuffy since students had different schedules and some have gone home already, while some were still having their exams. Jihoon ordered a big meal, knowing full well that it was going to be a long lunch time.

The two didn’t really talk for a while, enjoying their food until Wonwoo took the initiative and started the conversation. “So, what’s up?” He started, still not looking up from his food.

“Nothing much.” Jihoon replied simply as he continued eating. He knew that Wonwoo meant to ask what’s happening for the past few days, but he decided to answer only what was asked.

“What’s the tea to spill, Ji?” Wonwoo pushed further.

“I got accepted to that university in New York that I applied to months ago.” Jihoon answered, giving a small smile, though it didn’t seem convincing.

“That’s great then! Have you gotten the scholarship as well?”

“Not yet. But they offered it to me, and they told me that I have to pass a set of interview before they decide if I would be getting it or not.”

“I’m sure you’ll get it. You’re really talented and if they don’t get convinced that you get free education then it’s their loss.” Wonwoo rambled, giving off a more enthusiastic reaction than his friend. He continued, “Have you told Soonyoung yet?”

“Yeah.” Jihoon replied in a small voice, and Wonwoo noticed the change in expression so he kept silent. “I know what you’re thinking, we probably fought and we didn’t talk properly but no,” He chuckled. “He’s actually the first one I told about it. Not even my parents. Also, we ended up okay, we talked it through, he even stayed over, but he left before I woke up and we never spoke again. That’s sad.” He narrated with a sad smile on his lips.

“Wait, you broke up with him?” Wonwoo asked, shocked with the new information he just gathered.

“Yeah, did you not expect this to happen?” Jihoon replied. At this point, he’s just playing with the food left on his plate, not really having the appetite to eat anymore.

“I’m just shocked I guess. You’re great together. You’re so good for each other.” Wonwoo’s words seem to leave a pricking ache at Jihoon’s heart. “Are you okay?”

“Horrible.” Jihoon replied as he laughed dryly. He wanted to say so much more like _No. The past week makes me feel like there’s a gaping hole in my heart and I wanted to cry every night._ Or _No. I wanted to talk to him so badly but I’m a coward._

“If you’re wondering, he hasn’t been doing great either.” Wonwoo stated as he finishes up his rice meal. “When you didn’t want to hang out with me, I tried asking him to hang out with me instead but he would always shut me down and tell me he’s busy. It’s either he goes straight home or at the studio. He wouldn’t even hang out with Junhui. I wasn’t aware that he could turn that serious.”

“Did Junhui tell you anything?” Jihoon asked, really just wanting to know if Soonyoung has been taking care of himself.

“No, we don’t really talk a lot. We have very different schedules and we only have like, one class together.” Jihoon hummed in understanding.

“So...When will the interview be?” Wonwoo asked, trying to change the topic since he noticed that Jihoon was becoming more uncomfortable the more they talk about his breakup with Soonyoung.

“Actually, they made me choose a date that’s convenient for me. I didn’t want it to interfere with academics so I chose the date close to when the enrollment starts. About a month before school starts I think? I’ll be going with or without the scholarship anyway, though it would be extremely helpful. I don’t want to go broke in New York.” Jihoon explained.

Wonwoo hummed in response. “When exactly would that be, then?”

Jihoon tried to compute how much time he has left before he leaves Korea, and he could feel his brain short circuiting. “I don’t know. Five? Six months from now?”

“Wow that’s so soon, I’m going to miss you, man. I wish you the best.” Wonwoo said so seriously that Jihoon wanted to laugh at his best friend’s face.

“Wonwoo, that’s so cheesy! Four years would go by quickly.” Jihoon replied, trying to convince himself as well.

***

“You broke up?!” Junhui asked shockingly while waiting for the popcorn in the microwave. Soonyoung was in Junhui’s dorm room the day after staying over in Jihoon’s house, deciding that a sleepover with his best friend would probably be the best thing to go for if he doesn’t want to spend three days locking himself in his room.

They set up mattresses on the floor, as well as a lot of blankets, and while Junhui’s preparing for the food, Soonyoung took care of the movies they were going to watch that night. Unlike Jihoon, though, he decided to tell someone about it immediately instead of letting himself break down.

“Yep. Just yesterday. It sucks big time.” Soonyoung replied while scrolling through cat memes on his phone to distract himself.

“What? Wait. I’m so lost. Did you try to talk it out?”

“Not really. I mean, he did explain why he wanted to break up with me and I’m like ‘okay, I understand.’ because I honestly do. But I guess we’re both extremely tired to fight about it so we didn’t really talk it through and then he made me stay over at their house and wow I’m going to miss their house and his mom’s cooking and his parents. Mr and Mrs. Lee are lovely.” Soonyoung rambled with a smile on his lips, thinking about the time when Jihoon’s parents treated him as if he was their own son. “But like, it’s fine. I told him I’ll wait. I can wait.”

This time, Junhui sat beside him with a bowl of cheese popcorn in his hands. “I know you Soonyoung, you’re probably blaming yourself right now but please know that it’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Actually, it’s no one’s fault. It’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay.” Junhui’s eyes were filled with concern as he felt Soonyoung’s shoulder shaking, face buried in his folded knees.

“I just really hope he would wait for me the way I would wait for him. I don’t want to get in the way of him reaching his dreams but it still hurts.”

Junhui rubbed his friend’s back in an attempt to calm him down, but Soonyoung only sobbed harder. “Don’t worry. I am very sure that the day will soon come when you’re both happy.” _Together or not._ But he didn’t have the heart to say that.

***

Three months have passed and Jihoon feels at least a little bit more at ease. But every time he meets Soonyoung at the hallways, all they ever did was exchange a shy smile, never really engaging in a proper conversation.

More exams have passed, more stress, more all-nighters, and every single time he’s trying his best not to think about the boy he poured his whole heart to.

Two months left before they graduate, which means two months left before he leaves the country as well. Jihoon spent his time organizing his papers and requirements he needed for going abroad, as well as gathering necessary documents from this school. During this time, he’s been seeing Soonyoung less and less as well. _It’s better this way,_ he liked to think. _At least I would get used to not always long for his presence._

Soonyoung’s not where he used to always be at. Not in the small dance studio in their school, not in the library, not even in the cafe near their school that he used to always go to. It almost seemed like Jihoon’s Soonyoung is gone and even though he tried to convince himself that it’s fine, there would always be a pang of ache in his chest whenever he thinks of the said boy.

***

The last year of high school went by like a rollercoaster ride; wild but extremely quick. Because this time they’re crying their eyes out as the graduation ceremony ends, the photos of their class projected in a slideshow, while their graduation song plays in the background.

Jihoon isn’t a very emotional person, but he found himself hugging lots of people that night, silently thanking them for being part of his life, and that he will surely bring with him the memories he made with them.

After months of barely seeing Soonyoung, he finally saw him again at the graduation with Junhui, as well as some of the guys in his dance team. Jihoon was pretty sure that Soonyoung lost some weight by the way his face gained more structure compared to the usual fullness of his cheeks.

Their eyes met and he hoped that Soonyoung would take the initiative to talk to him because he’s still scared he would break down if he does it but also because he wouldn’t know what to say. He gave him a smile, and mouthed a ‘congratulations’ but Soonyoung just nodded at him, avoiding his gaze. He really did hurt him a lot.

The day ended after the dinner Jihoon had with his family. They bought him a new keyboard as a gift, because his parents knew that he’s been eyeing that specific one for months already, but couldn’t buy it. His eyes sparkled at the new instrument, and thanked his parents wholeheartedly.

He also told his parents about Soonyoung already. He decided that if he’s going to leave the country soon, he might as well tell his parents everything. He explained as much as he could to them and they have been nothing but supportive towards Jihoon. He could tell that his parents’ heart eyes towards Soonyoung were breaking together with the news he just gave them.

Hours passed after the dinner and he still couldn’t sleep, so he’s stuck staring at the ceiling thinking about one specific boy. And that’s when he knew, he’s fucked.

_12:20AM_

In an attempt to clear his mind so he could finally go to sleep because his stupid brain wouldn’t stop bothering him, he decided to message Wonwoo about everything—the graduation, the day he’s about to leave, and ofcourse, _Soonyoung._

Jihoon: Hey  


Wonwoo: ??  


Jihoon: I couldn’t sleep bc I saw Soonyoung again awhile ago  


Wonwoo: and??? what happened?  


Jihoon: That’s the thing! Nothing happened!  


Wonwoo: and i’m supposed to be interested in this because?  


Jihoon: Because I lost all of my brain cells and I wanted to talk to him but I can’t and now I’m just sad.  


Wonwoo: wow  


Wonwoo: good that u finally realized that ure dumb  


Wonwoo: jihoon i stg just talk to him already  


Jihoon: You talk as if it’s easy!!  


Jihoon: I’m the one who fucked up everything :(  


Jihoon: But it’s okay I’ll talk to him when I’m brave enough. Once I leave next week, it will be fine. I will be working on my confidence I promise!!  


Wonwoo: wait WHAT  


Wonwoo: YOU’LL BE LEAVING NEXT WEEK???? WTF  


Jihoon: Yes haven’t I told you?  


Wonwoo: I MEAN,,, YOU DIDN’T TELL ME WHEN U WERE LEAVING EXACTLY  


Wonwoo: but jihoon PLEASE listen to me for once. talk to him before u leave  


Jihoon: Idk I’ll think about it

It took a lot of convincing from Wonwoo before Jihoon agreed to send Soonyoung a simple text about him leaving. He finally realized that the boy deserved to know at least that; he hurt him enough already.

After checking if he got everything he needed the day before his flight, he typed, deleted, and retyped a message for Soonyoung, hands sweaty and thinking if he’s making the best decision by texting the boy.

Jihoon: Soonyoung, I don’t know if this is still your number or if you still have my number saved or if you blocked me already, but I just want you to know that I’m leaving tomorrow by 5PM and I want to say thank you for everything, you’re a big part of my life. I’m sorry for everything.

_Jihoon: I love you. [Message not sent.]_

Jihoon fell asleep that night while holding his phone, hoping to receive a response from the other, but unfortunately, he woke up to nothing.

Wonwoo told him that he’ll come with Jihoon to the airport and that he told his parents about it already. Jihoon’s mom has been giving him last minute reminders such as “Call us everyday and update us.” or “Don’t be afraid to call for someone if something happens!”

It was 1PM when they decided to leave their house, Jihoon’s parents at the front and him and Wonwoo at the back seat. They spent the ride talking about light things such as the anime they’re both currently watching, or the game they last played together.

“Jihoonie, you really are a big boy now. Behave okay?” His mom said as she hugged him way too tight for Jihoon’s liking.

“Yes mom, you told me many times already.” He replied with slight annoyance.

“Ya, always message me okay? Tell me all about New York!” Wonwoo said with a tap at the back.  
“Yes, yes. Will do.” Jihoon chuckled. He opened his phone again to check for possible calls and messages, but to his disappointment, there’s none.

He also scanned the airport one last time, hoping so hard that a certain someone would decide to meet him one last time. _That’s what happens in the stories, right?_

“Don’t think about it too much. Go, Ji, your dream’s waiting for you.” Wonwoo said with a sad smile, as if he knew exactly what Jihoon was thinking of.

Jihoon nodded at Wonwoo in response. With one last glance, he headed to the terminal. His heart’s supposed to be full, but it felt empty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the angst, I swear it will get better.  
Semestral break is coming to an end, which means I would be writing less as well, but I will try to update whenever I can.  
Thank you so much for reading! Please leave a comment below to let me know what you think :D


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo i wanted to give this fic another chance. it’s been a while since i last updated but hey, here we go again!!
> 
> i actually kinda have an outline for the entire fic already, but somehow my original plan for this fic’s plot is not something i enjoy anymore??? so i didn’t really have the will to write an update and procrastinated instead by writing other oneshots lol
> 
> anyway, i decided that i should finish this au. like i said, this is my first chaptered fic. i still really do hope that this fic is something u all would enjoy reading.
> 
> now that classes have ended for us, i would have more time writing, and i hope i could update this regularly  
i originally planned this chapter to be longer, but i realized that it’s way too long so i split it into two
> 
> If you’re still reading this fic, thank you. it means a lot to me.
> 
> this chapter is kind of a filler chapter, a look at their lives after jihoon goes to new york and all that. those parts that are italicized and enclosed in parentheses are flashbacks.

To describe Jihoon and Soonyoung’s relationship, it was nowhere near perfect, just as everyone else’s. But when you see the two, you’ll be able to say that they’re meant for each other. They complemented each other perfectly, and they had really good chemistry. Some might say that it’s because they started off as really good friends, and that they know a lot about each other already before gambling their friendship into something more meaningful.

Jihoon might come off as someone reserved, someone who carefully chooses who to open up to. Most times, Jihoon would find it hard to express himself fully to others, or to share a piece of himself. But those people close with him try their best to let him out of his comfort zone, and to make him realize that it’s fine to tell people about what he truly feels sometimes. And Jihoon is extremely grateful for them and for not giving up on him. 

Soonyoung is one of those people that’s been a big part of Jihoon’s life. That might have been a given, but the fact that his personality differs so much with Jihoon’s only opens a lot of new things for the other. Though Soonyoung is known for his bubbly personality, he tends to give a lot of space for Jihoon. He’s one of the most understanding people out there--he never pushes Jihoon to do things he’s uncomfortable with, or to open up with him immediately about something. He always makes sure to give the other enough time, because he believes that if Jihoon wanted to trust him with something, he would eventually tell him, no matter how long it takes.

“You’re too understanding. Gives too much space. Always trying to play the best boyfriend role. Well not now obviously, you’ve broken up.” Junhui rambles on and on, trying to knock some sense into his best friend’s head.

It’s been months since Soonyoung and Jihoon _broke up_, and Soonyoung has been staying at Junhui’s dorm more often to hang out. Seokmin, Junhui’s roommate, barely stays at the dorm for the past two months because he now prefers going back home to move his things back little by little. So it’s not really a problem that Soonyoung basically lives there these days. The dorm manager gave them two extra weeks after graduation to properly pack up their things and go home to their respective hometowns. Though Junhui has always been complaining that his food stock for a week gets cut off to three days because of the other.

“Ah, seriously Junhui it’s been like… Five months since we broke up and you still go on and on about this.” Soonyoung complained, his entire body sprawled on the dorm sofa while eating chips that Junhui recently bought. The other boy has been packing some of his things so it would be easier to leave the next week when his parents pick him up, yet here Soonyoung is, things still scattered both in Junhui’s dorm and in his own.

“Five months and you’re still here at my dorm room, not doing anything about your relationship, while you try to shove your feelings away with my food. Try to think about yourself sometimes.” Junhui’s annoyance is present in his voice, as well as the way he pulls the packing tape way too loud now. But Soonyoung knows that everything his best friend says is out of pure concern.

“I’m not doing anything because he isn’t either. I’m just waiting for him to tell me everything and to elaborate when he’s ready. It’s fine. Even if he doesn’t, I understand.” Soonyoung explained, while licking cheese powder off his fingers.

“You’re so dumb. You should know this more than anyone else. Jihoon is most probably waiting for you to make a move. Sometimes you’re being too considerate of him, giving him too much space that you don’t realize that maybe the way to fix this is to take a step closer.” Junhui replied after deciding that it’s enough packing for the day. He sat on the opposite side of the couch and searched for shows to watch. “When is he leaving?”

“He messaged me last night, actually. He’s leaving today at 5.” Soonyoung said this so casually that it took Junhui approximately five seconds to process what he just said. As soon as he did, he straightened up from his seat so quick to stare at the other with wide eyes.

“You’re a total airhead! What did you tell him? Wait, let me guess. You didn’t reply because you’re stupid. And it’s too late now because it’s fucking 4:30.”

“Will you chill out for a while? It’s not like he won’t leave and would miraculously come back to me when we talk or meet or whatever. It’s better this way. If we meet, it would only feel worse because I’m going to have false hope and everything would be taken away from me all of a sudden. You get what I mean?” Soonyoung’s expression turned more serious as he tried to focus his eyes on the show that’s playing on the television, which now serves more of a background noise to not make the conversation awkward. “I badly want to say that I hate him for leaving me like this.” Soonyoung sighed, closing his eyes as he felt frustration creep up at him.

“No you don’t.”

“No I don’t.”

At this point, Junhui doesn’t know what to say to his best friend anymore. All he could do now is wish for the best, and that his best friend finds a way out of this situation quickly; whether it meant finding his way back to Jihoon, or just for him to be genuinely happy again. With or without Jihoon.

It might not look like it, but Soonyoung has been great at showing people only what he wanted to show them. If you’re not too familiar with him and Jihoon, you would think that Soonyoung looks like he’s been doing perfectly fine. But it’s been the subtlest things with Soonyoung’s behavior that’s been changing; Soonyoung not getting coffee at the coffee shop he usually goes to, going straight to Junhui’s dorm to hang out instead of his own, playing a different genre of music than what he usually listens to when studying, getting chocolate ice cream instead of vanilla because Jihoon always gets vanilla. Small things like that. Very subtle, yet it’s obvious that he’s trying to get used to something else.

***

The flight from Incheon to New York took 15 hours and Jihoon slept through almost the entire flight due to exhaustion; both physical and emotional. He can’t even pinpoint it anymore at this point. He woke up to the slight turbulence as the plane touched down as well as the voice of the pilot saying they had landed at their destination already. With tired eyes watering from having woken up from his sleep, he opened the plane window next to him. The sun was already up at that point, washing the surroundings with the soft glow of the morning. That’s when it fully sunk down on him that he’s on his own now, in a town where he doesn’t know anyone, all by himself. It scares him but it excites him at the same time.

Jihoon came from a middle class family. He wouldn’t consider their family rich, but they definitely have enough money to support his education even abroad, as well as his other needs while he’s there. But he’s completely aware that they wouldn’t be completely stable financially if he wouldn’t get a scholarship for his tuition, so he’s really wishing that his application would be approved. He didn’t want things to be harder for his family.

He took the cab to the dormitory of the university he’s going to. He confirmed his slot for the degree as soon as he received the decision letter, so the university offered him a dorm room within the campus that he could get into anytime.

The dorm room was decent, consisting of a bed, a study table, a cabinet, and his own bathroom. It was small, but he wouldn’t complain. It was good enough that he wouldn’t be having a roommate. Though he doesn’t really mind rooming with other people, he's still extremely overwhelmed by the whole thing that he figured he needed a lot of alone time with himself for his first year. Perhaps by his second year, he would be fine moving rooms. But for now, he’s satisfied with everything.

The bed has a socket right beside it, so Jihoon immediately charged his phone before plopping down on his bed face down, still not having enough energy to unpack his things despite sleeping for 15 hours on the flight.

After taking a two-hour nap, he unplugged his phone and checked the notifications in it. There were four missed calls from his mom, as well as a message saying _“Call me as soon as you can!”_ So he called back, assuring her that he arrived safely and that he’s already settled in his dorm room. His stomach grumbled when his mom reminded him to eat his lunch on time.

The fast food restaurant near the campus was packed at lunch time despite the classes not starting yet. The air inside was stuffy and humid, so Jihoon decided to have his food for take out and eat in his dorm room instead.

On the way back, he took a good glance at his surroundings. The streets were busy, as if they have always been busy 24 hours a day. Tall buildings were everywhere, and everything just seemed so bright and dynamic, contrasting the peaceful and mellow environment he’s always had at home. _This is it._ He thought. _I’m really in New York._

While munching on his sandwich for lunch, he decided to facetime Wonwoo to chat and show him around his dorm room as well. His best friend wouldn’t answer at all even when it ran out of rings, so he repeated it until he answered.

“Damn, Jihoon, I’m taking a nap.” Wonwoo said, voice deep from sleep, dark hair messy, and thin blanket wrapped around his body. Jihoon could see that he’s in his room in their house, and not in the dorm anymore.

“You’re not in the dorms anymore?” Jihoon asked, taking a bite from his sandwich after.

“Yeah, I moved out yesterday after going with you to the airport.” Wonwoo replied while setting his phone in a stable place so he could get up from bed and turn on the lights in his room. “You’re in your dorm now, huh? How is it? Do you have a roommate?”

“No. I have the room by myself. Cool, right? Do you want me to show you the entire room?” And so he did, walking through the small expanse of the room, showing each part to the camera.

The room consisted mostly of whites and neutral colors, which Jihoon really appreciates. Wonwoo just hums as Jihoon blabbers about the little furniture in the room.

“I haven’t really designed it to my liking yet, since I just got here, but I would and I’ll show you again next time!” Jihoon went on excitedly, already thinking about his Marvel merch that he brought with him.

The call ended soon after chatting about random things, and Jihoon could already feel himself missing South Korea. The memories, the environment, _the people._

***

First day of school was amazing. Jihoon didn’t know that he would ever describe his first day of school as that, but he had no other words to describe it. If he were to be completely honest, he didn’t expect it to be that great, but everyone was super welcoming and wonderful and Jihoon felt giddy and felt like he found his home.

About a month before classes started, decisions for the scholarship were given. Jihoon got full tuition and he immediately felt a heavy weight being lifted off his shoulders. So far, things were going greatly.

A few days before classes started, he dyed his hair a dirty blond from his pitch black hair. It was his first time dying his hair ever, and it’s more like he did it impulsively. But he’s been thinking of it for such a long time already, and his high school did not allow them to have their hair dyed a different color from their natural ones. So he made sure that when he arrived in New York, he would definitely do it.

_(“Youngie, let’s dye our hair.” Jihoon suddenly said while scrolling on his phone. They’re on their usual ice cream date they have every Monday. They said it’s for them to have something to look forward to on Mondays._

_“Hmm? So suddenly?”_

_“Look, dark purple would look good on you.” He said, showing his phone screen to his boyfriend, displaying a photo of a kpop idol with dark purple hair, with hints of silver undertone. He then scrolled a bit more before showing the other a different photo. “And I would like to try a dirty blond one. Like this.”_

_Jihoon seemed to be really excited with the thought, mindlessly swinging his legs that are dangling from the high seat in the ice cream parlour._

_“You know we can’t dye our hair, Jihoonie.” Soonyoung saw the smaller’s expression fall upon hearing this. “We’ll do it after we graduate, okay?”_

_“Okay.” A small smile forming on Jihoon’s lips.)_

“Hi, Welcome to your first day in uni! My name is Jeonghan. I’m a second year Psychology student.” A boy with fluffy hair parted nicely in the middle greeted him with a smile, then handed him a map of the campus. Jihoon assumed that he’s also Korean because of the name. He also saw his name tag with the surname Yoon.

The booth was set up for freshies, with balloons by the sides to welcome them to university. Apparently, they were there so the freshmen wouldn’t have trouble with finding their way to their classes, other concerns and inquiries about the campus, and to avoid other awkward things that usually happen in every student’s first day of school. Jihoon figured that the people in the booth were composed mostly of second year students.

“Thank you, Jeonghan.” Jihoon replied, taking his campus map.

“No problem! Do you want someone to tour you around campus?” Jeonghan asked enthusiastically while trying his best to organize files of paper on his desk.

“Sure, that would be nice.” Looking at his class schedule, his first class for Monday was a vacant period. He decided to spend it productively rather than sit in a corner doing nothing.

“Okay, I’ll get someone to tour you.”

It wasn’t long before Jeonghan came back with another second year student. With his all-white uniform fitting his body perfectly, Jihoon could tell that this boy probably hits the gym five times a week.

“Hey, I’m Seungcheol, from Physical Therapy. And you are?”

“Jihoon Lee. Music.”

“Are you perhaps...Korean?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Cool! Me too. My family’s from Daegu, but I lived in the US since I was 13.”

Seungcheol switched from speaking to him in English to Korean. It was nice, having someone to talk to that reminds him of home. It was something familiar and it eases his first day chills.

The boy was easy to talk to, which made Jihoon warm up to him easier. Despite his buff and intimidating appearance, Seungcheol was actually very bubbly and friendly. He learned that him and Jeonghan had been in a relationship since the end of first year, and that he was originally going to take up Psychology as well but changed his mind last minute because Physical Therapy was his _calling._

Seungcheol took a look at his class schedule and showed him the way to his classes. He then showed him the different amenities in the campus. Jihoon took a mental note to take a good glance at the music room after class.

“So...That’s it, I guess. If you have any other questions, Jeonghan’s number is on the map he gave you. Also if you wanna hang out with us or have lunch together, just give Hannie a message.” Jihoon didn’t know if Seungcheol is just extremely friendly, or if they ask all of the freshmen they tour to hang out with them at lunch. But he appreciated the offer. At least Jihoon wouldn’t look like a loner in university.

The classes went by quickly, mostly because they didn’t really do much on the first day. They only had introductions to the class and that’s it.

Jihoon went to the groceries before heading home, deciding that cooking for himself would be better if he wanted to save up more money. Getting take-out everyday surely starves his wallet.

His grocery cart consisted mostly of healthy things, and he mentally patted himself on the back for that. He decided that he should cook actual food that’s filling and good for him, and not those that are high on preservatives. _Though he still had a few instant ramen and coffee in his cart. For emergency purposes._

_( Ring. Ring. Ring._

_“Hello?”_

_“Jihoon it’s a bit past twelve I know you’re about to cook ramen.”_

_“What about it?”_

_“I brought different types of bread the last time I went there. They’re in your fridge. Heat them up instead. Stop eating instant ramen, they’re not good for you.”_

_“Wow. My boyfriend’s starting to sound like my mom.”_

_“Hey! I’m just concerned about you. You eat ramen almost everyday. You have to break that habit. It won’t do you any good when you’re finally studying in university.”_

_“Okay, I get it, mom.”)_

Jeonghan and Seungcheol are the best friends he could ever ask for. They treated Jihoon as their little brother, sometimes babying him more than usual (which Jihoon pretends to hate but he’s actually super grateful that the two are looking after him). They eat lunch almost everyday, except on Wednesdays, where Jihoon’s lunchtime is pushed back an hour.

At first, it didn’t seem like they would be great friends. Their personalities are super fun and opposite Jihoon’s. But their dynamics seem to fit just fine. Oh dear, Jihoon could remember someone whose personality also opposes his.

Jihoon still facetimes Wonwoo from time to time. Though when things get too busy, they usually just message each other.

He made sure to keep his promise to call his parents everyday, but it couldn’t be avoided that there are days that are super busy that he would completely forget to touch his phone the entire day.

***

Soonyoung and Junhui went to the same university. Despite being roommates now in their dorm, they have very different class schedules. There are times when Soonyoung would go back very late, around 9-10PM because of after-class practices. During these times, he would either tell Junhui that he’s eaten dinner already, or to cook a portion of food for him as well. Fortunately, Soonyoung could live just fine with Junhui. The latter knows how to cook, and he could do dishes very well, usually with a twist to them because they do some dishes differently in China.

Soonyoung took a degree in performance arts. He’s very fortunate that his parents supported him to achieve what he truly loves doing, and they have been nothing but lovely. Most parents would want their children to take up a degree in _something more useful_ or _something with a stable job._ But Soonyoung’s lucky that he didn’t have to deal with that.

On the other hand, Junhui took up a degree in engineering. If he was to be completely honest, he didn’t really have a plan for college. It was his parents’ idea for him to take up the course, but it wasn’t like he had something else in mind, so he decided to just follow them. He’s surprised his parents let him stay in Korea, even though they already went back to China.

Wonwoo studies in a different university, majoring in Sociology. He recently decided that he wanted to be a lawyer, so he took up a degree that would be beneficial for him when he finally goes to law school. To save up more, he worked part time as a barista in a cafe near his university. His shift was everyday after his classes ended. Good thing that he had a stable class schedule.

He’s roommates with a boy called Mingyu--tall, handsome, could cook, and could do any house chore, but he’s also extremely clumsy. The said guy is a year younger than him, but he’s been accelerated because of his outstanding academics, so they’re now studying in the same year.

***  


Time surely went by really fast. But for Jihoon, it did seem to slow down when the clock struck twelve, and suddenly, it’s the 15th of August again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading!! i would really appreciate it if you would tell me what you think! kudos are also very much appreciated. again, if you’ve read this far, thank you so much. It means a lot to me. <33


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